In praise of the horse

I began the week feeling very sorry for my self:  test - test - homework - test. Yuck. Interspersed with swim team for the elder child and jujitsu for the younger and obligatory meal preparation in between.
Anyway - what in the world does this have to do with being a vet student??? Nothing - Just some Friday evening, three glasses of red wine down, sort of self indulgent yuck that no one wants to hear.
So........ earlier this week:
I arrive Monday morning to the rounds room of equine internal medicine, bright eyed and bushy tailed - all ready to make my mark, ask insightful questions and generally contribute to the rich academic air.
But, no cases. So we have a "rounds" topic discussion on strangles - which is the layman's term for an equine respiratory infection with Strep equi subspecies equi .
I fancy myself sort of up on the subject and plan insightful commentary in my head, waiting to wow the clinicians with my acumen on the subject. But as the discussion progresses I realize I am way out of my league.
"What diagnostic test would you use in a suspected case of purpura hemmoragica?"
Now this particular syndrome is a sequel to Strep equi infection that is, in short, a bad deal.
I have no idea...
PCR? No
Florescent antibody? No
M-Protein immunoglobulin binding??? Yes
The senior students dominate - none of these are my answers. I stare mutely down at my lap top, typing furiously in an attempt to look busy.
Bloody hell - M-protein binding???? Did I know about that?
Thankfully my wounded ego is saved by an incoming case.
Sweet horse with mild neurological deficits - which would be cute in a kitten but are down right deadly in a 1300 lb animal.
Euthanize - his owner is weeping while we students flock together, analyzing the horses gait and mentation, reflexes and proprioceptive deficits. It is unsaid - but known, that this will not end well, that even if there is a "cure" in this case that due to the size of the animal and the cost involved it would be prohibitively expensive to attempt.
The gelding stands in his stall - looking around munching alfalfa and it occurs to me why I admire animals so much.
It is because they are themselves - without apology. I am not one to indulge in anthropomorphizing - what makes animals amazing is not that they are like us, but rather that they are like themselves.
There he stood - taking in the moments of his day, the smells, the sounds, the weeping girl in his stall, and they just were.
I do not relish this part of my job - the all to frequent task of ending a life, but on the same hand I see it as a gift. The ability to provide a peaceful death - a passing into the next.
I am sorry for the sad girl - it is always those of us that are left behind that are most heart-broken.
But I would thank her and this horse, that passed through my day of test - test - homework - test.
They remind me to pause - to not be in such a hurry to get the answer right, nor to resent the swimming, the meal preparation and the bloody homework.
But to just be, for a moment - with the chaos all around.