Chicken necks and cow bums

 Below is the original post that I had assumed was deleted. I have apologized profusely to Angus and even allowed a brief foray onto miniclips.com 

During the last three years of my vet school education I have learned more about the female reproductive system then I ever thought there was to know - and realized at the same time - that what I don't know could fill an ocean.
In pursuit of furthering my education and gaining a deeper understanding of the bovine "ba gina" (as my daughter used to call it) I recklessly registered for a four day artificial insemination course offered by a reputable supplier of semen. Hummmmm.......
The classroom time was easy enough, we were an eclectic mix of vet students, local ranch owners,  a few cow hands interested in earning some money on the side, one matronly lady from Texas and a lone Australian dairy specialist.
The lecture consisted of graph-graph-graph-chart, all depicting, in one form or another the benefits of AI over using live bulls in a breeding program.  I used this time wisely, to assess my fellow students, leaf though handouts and plan a counter attacks on the Lamar's donuts sitting just outside the classroom. The only moment of undivided attention that the presenter enjoyed was when he suggested that the group of us, as a whole, repeat the word "vagina" after him. This exercise was to remind us of the importance on placing ones hand in the rectum and NOT in the vagina. The Wyoming rancher next to me pulled his hat down low, but gamely mumbled along with the rest of us. After that moment of bonding we moved onto a practical discussion of the steps of palpation of the reproductive tract via the rectum of the cow and the importance of properly locating and identifying the cervix.
"It feels like a chicken neck! Its really not that hard to find, and that's your goal today, to find the cervix in each cow you go in." With these guiding words he sent us on our way.
We all suited up and tromped out into the 12 degree weather. Eagerly donning palpation sleeves (long, plastic gloves that covers one arm up to the shoulder) and cupping handfuls of the all important lube we sidled up to the cow behind of our choosing and ventured therein.
Now, luckily for me (and probably many of the other participants) I had spent some time in this position so the sensation of having ones arm encased in something like a crap filled elephants trunk is not totally outside my experience. Not so for the sweet Texan matron who I happened to be standing next to in the line up. The dancing black Angus cow in front of her had clamped her tail down tight and was unwilling to allow entry.
"Just pick up her tail and move it to the outside of your left arm" I advised, sagely. She did, and the cow immediately moved it back into position, slapping the poor woman in the face in the process. Nice Texan Lady winced but bravely advanced her fingers into her cow butt.
"It's SO tight" she said having come to an abrupt halt in the process.
"I know, its tough at first - you sort of need to brace your arm and just push on through."
She retracted her hand and tried again - that's when I realized her hand was a bit further south than it ought to be.
"Not in the vagina!" I barked, a bit loudly, making her jump and the guys around me flinch in unison. It was at this point I decided any advice I had for her should stay shut away in my little brain and that the insemination experts were really more qualified to help out.
I blindly sought the cervix of my own cow, coming upon a structure shaped like an avocado or maybe a frog and something that felt like a dough filled basket ball (her rumen)  but nothing identifiable as a chicken neck. Disappointed but not discouraged I forged ahead - determined to find a chicken neck, if not in this gal, then in the next.
We emerged from the barn some hours later, cold and covered in manure but triumphant. Lone Aussie dude, Texan Matron, cow hands, ranchers and vet students alike had successfully located the neck of bird inside the rectum of a cow.
It was a good day.
The darnedest things make me happy!