Perspectives

My daughter, Abigail, turned nine on Monday. Somewhere between being an infant in arms and now, she grew, became big and courageous and has learned to fight her own battles. In another nine years she will legally be an an adult.
Yikes.
In the first semester of our first year of vet school - when we one is still dewy-eyed with the wonder of being accepted into this elite program - we took a class called 'Perspectives in Veterinary Medicine."
This innocuous sounding title did not prepare us for the curriculum which was largely comprised of presentations by vets that had battled drug addiction, alcoholism and failed relationships.
I like to call this class the 'disclaimer course' so when we are burnt out, divorced and chain smoking they can say "Don't blame us! We warned you, you need work life balance."
So what does this have to do with my daughter turning nine? Perhaps nothing.
Except that:
The demographics of veterinary medicine are changing. 75% of vet students at my university are female - some schools have all female entering classes. Many of these young women want to begin a family someday.
So back the the 'Perspectives" class.
One notable speaker, a mother of three, came to class bearing so much of her self that it was painful to witness. She cataloged the years spent working toward her DVM, then on to a post doc and board certification. She was before her time, in an era where the masculine paradigm of long hours and no family time held sway. 
During these years she also had three children. Children that went immediately into day care.
She showed us a PowerPoint presentation, with bulleted pros and cons of her life decisions.
On the plus side: Professional recognition, good money, meeting interesting people.
On the down side: Not spending enough time with her family, sending sick children to day care, missing important milestones such as kids big sporting events, growing apart from her husband, divorce.
Ouch.
There she stood, in front of all 134 of us bright eyed and bushy tailed vet students - with her most painful moments bulleted before us. My heart hurt, for her, for her kids, for us, for the young women in the room being told that this was their only option.
Another speaker that day addressed the same topic; being both a father of three and a working vet - yet his choices were no different than the previous speakers.  His wife (also a vet) and he had three children, one an infant, all in daycare. He joked with the first speaker about the joys of dropping them off and heading to work. I winced at his cavalier attitude.
Our class turned out to offer only one view - rather than discussing options for parenthood and "work life balance" - the message of  "Career First, kids second" rang loudly through the lecture hall.
It appears the "masculine paradigm" still rules in veterinary medicine.
The point that is lost in all of this is, that not that the kids will be damaged (I myself am the product of daycare from my third day of life onward) but rather how damaged the parent is. Those years with your children are lost. My daughter does not remember her first smile, tooth, steps, word -  but I do. I was privileged enough to be home with my young ones, not everyone has that option.
The most challenging thing I have ever done (more terrifying than backpacking through East Africa, or caring for my dieing father) was being a stay-at-home mom. It is a job that is never done, nor done well enough. Those years were also the most rewarding and ones I wouldn't give up.
Parenting is challenging enough. The last thing we need is to feel bad about our choices. But if we are going to offer 'perspectives' to this next generation of veterinarians perhaps the entire spectrum of choices should be given?
So, Abby is nine. She went to her school for her birthday, I went to mine. She tells me about her friends, how she hates Latin and loves music. She says I smell like "horse poop."
I tell her about the mares I palpated, explain the magic of assisted reproduction, show her pictures of the foals born that week and lament the parasitology test I failed.
It's good. I am happy to be pursuing two wonderfully challenging careers. Veterinary medicine, marriage, parenting can all be woven together.
So to all you vet student hopefuls out there; Go your own way, have kids, don't have kids - whatever - just know that it is possible to have a career and be the parent you want to be. You don't  have to follow in the foot steps of those that went before. Be big and courageous and fight your own battles.

And happy birthday Abby.